My thoughts on a painfully common
and inevitable expierience.
I woke up on any other saturday and someone was taken from me.
Someone I never saw me living my life without so suddenly.
Not so fast, with no warning.
He always joked about never wanting to be old and dysfunctional. I never thought the world would grant him that so literally.
Me? I would have him revived like frankenstien if his body hadn't been torched already.
At first I said it was god, the universe, karma, ect. The paramedics.
But the truth? I wasn't too late, I did care enough and I tried everything in my power to stop fates hand. To no avail, but I did try.
I am still mad.
Restless.
Cold.
Sad.
Of course, the cold disposition of existence would care less.
I heard we started a war.
The loudest voice says:
YOU ARE NOT SPECIAL FOR LOOSING YOUR DAD!! SHUT THE FUCK UP YOU HAVE BEEN THROUGH AND WITNESSED WORSE.
But. I've been trying to be kinder to myself. Yes. The world is full of hurt right now. Doesn't mean I don't hurt, nor am not worthy of such.
I am only Human.
That was among his final words actually. "I hurt."
And as of writing this, we don't know why he hurt.
Why he isn't right here with us.
I am not 100% sure what I believe in. Who. I've seen things in my time.
Things that tell me it's as wonderful as they say, with less gatekeeping.
That is to say I feel he is at a form of peace, minus the little part of him worried for us. My mom always put it best,
"We are so much bigger than our little thumbprint of a human being."
Makes it all the more painful to see her without her favorite thumbprint though. Seeing her faith shaken, shakes mine.
I miss my dad.
Selfishly so I want him here.
I did not think the last time I'd hold my dad in my arms was me catching him as he fell out of this world into the next.
Knowing he was afraid of leaving alone though, I see a way to view the trauma into something profound.
Yes. He died in my arms, looking me in my eyes. I won't say it will be easy to forget as traumatic as hell.
But he died in MY arms. His kid, next to his wife, in the safety of home. Not among strangers in unknown places.
That has made any trauma I recieved worth it in my eyes.
That is all for now.
